Spending Time Alone: The Modern Superpower
Being Alone: The Modern Superpower
In a world in which we are more interconnected than ever, spending time alone has become a lost art.
One anxious thought and people will seek the company of others to escape, or if they are not around, distract themselves with mindless scrolling, TV, or some other activity that creates a barrier between their consciousness and their feelings.
And while finding comfort in others is not always a bad thing to do, constantly running from solitude is not a healthy way of living.
When we consistently flock to external sources to feel good about ourselves, we are left with an incomplete seeing of our interior, which leaves us with unresolved feelings and lack of understanding of ourselves.
As a result, we will create a life in alignment with these unconscious, repressed, and alienated feelings, leading to all sorts of dysfunction and suffering.
There’s a reason that those who spend more time alone display more self-resilience, have a stronger identity, and heightened sense of independence¹.
This is simply because people who spend quality alone time have explored their mind enough to know who they are, what they’re about, and in some capacity, have developed the courage to dig into emotions even when it gets painful.
And if you are on the path of self-actualization, or any path of improving yourself for that matter, the way in which you spend your alone time will be one of the largest determining factors of your success.
Distraction: The Ego’s Sneakiest Defense Mechanism
Even if one is able to spend time alone, there is a high chance they spend it scrolling social media or doing some other activity that creates a barrier from their consciousness and the deeper aspects of the psyche.
This is not quality alone time.
Enjoy your time relaxing when you need to, but always remain wary of why you are doing something, because I guarantee that you often engage in these activities because you (mostly unconsciously) want to distract yourself from feeling a certain emotion.
Here is a list of a few common emotions that people love to distract themselves from feeling:
Fear
Boredom
Confusion
Sadness
Frustration
You see, as we go through life, we develop unconscious patterns for avoiding these feelings.
These patterns may be but are not limited to: scrolling social media, watching TV, daydreaming, talking with friends, playing video games, masturbating, snacking, smoking, etc.
This is not a good nor bad thing, it is simply our ego protecting itself from harm.
We cannot blame the ego for this because the ego’s job is to seek out things that are good for its agenda.
But in this work, we must rise above our own ego and have the courage to feel our feelings fully, only then can the feelings actually get resolved.
In my spiritual endeavors, one of the most important lessons I have learned is that at the root of all suffering is a failure to fully feel what is.
In suffering, there is always some part of oneself that is in denial, wishing for things to be different, and not fully being with what is.
And that is why, in spending time alone, it is imperative that one develops the capacity for fully feeling into their entire experience. That is, not to judge, label, repress, deny, shy away from, or (this is key) DISTRACT ONESELF from anything in one’s experience.
At the end of this post I will provide some practices for how you can better spend time alone, but first I want to share with you a story from my high school years on how constantly distracting myself from my feelings caused me an enormous amount of suffering.
Filling the Void Through Seeking Validation From Others
While I have always been an introvert and thus needed more alone time than most people to recharge, I would spend much of this time distracting myself from my deeper problems, many of which I was not even aware of.
I would numb myself with pornography, watch random Youtube videos that provided no value to my life, play video games, and mindlessly scroll Instagram.
In retrospect, this distractive numbing that I engaged in, which operated most strongly in my High School days, largely came about through a deep lack of self-worth.
Even worse, I was not even aware of the issue for the most part because I had distracted myself from the core problem so deeply!
I had failed to fully see my interior, and so I could not even attempt to make change at the root level, which was the belief that I was not-worthy, that I was not enough.
As a result, I (mostly unconsciously) was always in a state of competition.
To feel worthy, I always wanted to look the best, be the coolest, funniest, smartest, and have the hottest girlfriend.
I was attempting to fill a void.
I was always trying to make my cup full even though it was leaking, so it became a never-ending process of filling.
But because looking to others to feel whole is a game you can ultimately never win, I would then fill myself via the cheap, quick dopamine hits that porn, video games, and other online content would provide.
The Ultimate Fill
In 2017, I started dating a girl, and this was the ultimate “fill” for me.
I felt an enormous surge in confidence and self-worth for being with this attractive girl, and for the first time in maybe my entire life, I felt at least somewhat close to being “whole.”
But this surge proved to be fragile, and came crashing down very quickly.
When she broke up with me only a few months later (probably due to my neediness and obsession with her), my entire world shattered, and I entered into the darkest time of my life.
The suffering was so deep that I contemplated suicide at times, but the pain thrust the core issue into my awareness, giving me the precise realization I needed in order to heal.
This was the realization that I was terribly reliant on others to feel validated and whole (especially romantic partners), and if I wanted to feel better, I had to start working towards things that mattered to me.
While the change was far from night and day, 6 years later I look back on that past self as if he lived an entire lifetime ago.
I came out of my intense suffering with greatly heightened empathy, started reading personal development books, developed an interest in psychology, studied economical and political theory, continued my interest in the nature of reality, and explored altered states of consciousness, all of which inspired me to use my life to be a transformer of society.
Through all of this, I developed a purpose that is rooted in bringing more love to Earth. And because this purpose is so great, grand, high, and intrinsic to who I am, never again could I put so much energy into being shallowly validated from others because my internal metric of success has shifted entirely.
In all of this emotional digging and soul-searching, I learned to love being alone more and more.
And not the distractive type of alone time, the alone time where you really look within and experience yourself.
Awareness is the Ultimate Healer
While I am far from being fully liberated from these distractive tendencies, I now am able to view alone time as a way to check in on myself, feel what needs to be felt, and resolve what can be resolved, even if the process is emotionally laborious.
Through this, I have learned that nothing, and I repeat NOTHING, is more curative than awareness.
In the realm of therapy, no matter what type of therapy one engages in, the fundamental mechanism behind improvement in client outcome is becoming more aware.
Whether it is coming into contact with one’s shadow feelings or the scripts, narratives, and beliefs oneself operates under, nothing can actually change until the client first becomes aware of their current condition.
By experiencing aspects of consciousness that were previously repressed, alienated, malformed, or distorted, one can acknowledge them, see how they influence oneself, and thereby let them go.
In my case, I was operating from a lack of self-worth that I was largely unconscious of, and it was only when I experienced the intense breakup and the introspection that followed that I was able to become aware of the core problem, and then work towards solving it.
It is no secret as to why those who engage in meditation and other mindfulness practices appear more calm, zen, tranquil, and unmoved by various happenings in life that most would deem as unfortunate than those who do not engage in the practices.
This is because the whole point of mindfulness is being aware of WHAT IS. It is not to deny or shy away from anything in experience, but to fully accept and embrace what is experienced, even if it goes against the ego’s agenda.
Some Practices to Get You Started
Below are a few mindfulness practices you can try to aid you in making your alone time more effective.
Stream of Consciousness Writing
Open a document on your computer and just start writing.
Don’t think. Just write.
I’ve been doing this at least once a week for 7 years and I have found it to be the quickest and most effective way to get to the root of my suffering and start postulating solutions on improving my situation.
There is something about getting the thoughts out of my head and into the physical world that gives them more potency.
Of course, you can also write in a journal, but I find typing to be better as it can keep up with the speed of my mind.
2. Nature Walks
I find this to be the most effective method for bringing in fresh perspectives to my life.
Whereas in writing I can generate many thoughts in a short period, which is great for seeing my current mental state, Nature leaves me feeling replenished and ready to tackle whatever I need next in my life.
When going out into Nature, watch your experience like you are watching a movie.
You don’t play an active role in the movie, you just watch it.
Get a nice sweat going, observe the beauty around you, notice your thought patterns, and how your body feels in response to this.
No one ever goes out in Nature and feels worse after, so get out there!
3. Sitting Meditation
I find meditation to be the most practical way in easing my mental state and putting myself into a more tranquil state of mind.
The other day I was completely overwhelmed by how busy my day was.
But after sitting for 20 minutes, I was in a very tranquil state of mind that allowed me to flow through my tasks for the day rather than being in resistance to them.
Meditation is also unlike the other methods described so far because in meditation you are completely still.
And if you are like me, sitting still is difficult because you always like to be in motion.
But if you engage in the practice with mindfulness, it can be very similar to the other two methods.
Just sit and observe. Allow whatever is there to come to the surface, observe it, and watch it pass away.
This method, when done effectively and consistently, allows you to probe into your mind deeper than the others listed so far, which can allow you to unearth insights that completely shake your sense of self and reality.
4. Mind-altering substances
This is not a method I recommend for the beginner.
But, this method (psychedelics) was also the catalyst for my spiritual journey when I was the least mindful person in the world, so I don’t have the right to tell you to not do them at all.
If I were to give my past self advice on this one though, I would tell him to build up a mindfulness practice first, so that when the storm arrives, I could better sit through it rather than reacting to it like a wounded chicken.
You see, psychedelics are like a pill for thrusting forth deeper layers of yourself into your consciousness, and not all of these layers are pleasant to experience.
Some of them can be pleasant for sure, but inevitably if you do them enough, and in high enough doses, your shadow will make an appearance and what before was roses and daisies turns into a fire that completely consumes you.
If you want more info on psychedelics, check out my old Youtube channel, The Curious Minds.
If you want a more mild substance that can peel back some layers of yourself without being too uncomfortable, do one of the above mindfulness practices while on weed.
I find it gives a little more flavor to the experience, and allows me to probe deeper than in a normal state of mind.
It’s a bit more complicated than that though, because I find it way easier to get distracted while on weed, so I need to be focused and dedicated to the practice.
But know that these substances affect everyone differently, so use your wisdom to decide what works best for you. Just think of me as a guy sharing his experience.
Always do a fuck-ton of research before you try a substance for the first time.
My Offers
If you have made it to the end of this newsletter, I would like to thank you.
I hope you are better able to navigate your alone time with this mindfulness philosophy and the practices that allow you to get into the state of fully feeling your experience, rather than distracting or shying away from it.
If you would like some help in your journey, whether it be cultivating mindfulness or another issue such as discovering Life Purpose, removing bad habits and implementing healthy ones, or preparing for a psychedelic trip (these are the areas I feel most adequate in), consider booking a coaching call with me.
My prices are very affordable compared to others in my field, and I have helped several on their journeys so far.
If this interests you, head to the “Coaching” section of this website.
With love and intention,
Wyeth